


Supernatural Drabblogues

by rosemarygreen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Gen, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 07:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10079723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarygreen/pseuds/rosemarygreen
Summary: A set of short, slashy, cracky, fangirly, behind-the-script perversions of random moments from Supernatural's Season 4-9. Drabblogue is a word I coined that stands for "drabble" and "dialogue."





	

**After Hell**

 

Sam: What makes you think so?

Dean: I’m older, that means I’m always right.

Sam: Come on Dean, you’re just four years my senior.

Dean: Considering my forty years in Hell, Sammy, I’m much, much older than you think.

**4.03. In The Beginning**

  
Castiel: Dean, listen closely, I’m going to send you back to 1973. You’ve got to stop a very serious crime.

Dean: Yeah, what crime?

Castiel: Your Dad wants to buy a VW van instead of the Impala. It may change the course of your history. 

Dean: Then why are we wasting time here? Zap me back there before it’s too late.

Castiel: Dean… That’s not the only trouble about to happen. The Yellow-Eyed Demon is going to…

Dean: To hell with the Yellow-Eyed Demon, Cas, all I know is that I’m not driving a friggin’ family van. Come on, lay your hands on me.

 

**4.07. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester**

 

Dean: Sam, it’s Cas. Cas, it’s Sam.

Castiel: So, Dean, is this the guy you died and went to Hell for? Now I can see why you did. He’s pretty.

Sam: Please, give me the hand that gripped my brother and raised him from perdition so that I can kiss it.

Castiel: *takes Sam’s hand in his* So, is this the hand you’re exorcising demons with? Don’t, boy. Put it to a better use.

Dean: *thinks* Down my pants, Sam, please.

 

**4.09. I Know What You Did Last Summer**

 

Male Demon: Hi, Sam.

Sam: Gotcha. Take ME and bring my brother back, _NOW_.

Male Demon: Er, Sam, we can’t do that.

Sam: Why the hell _NOT_?

Male Demon: Look at me. I’m very much a _man_. And you? Very much heterosexual.

Sam: F*** you, you SOB. Do you even know what me and my brother are famous for?

Male Demon: Killing our kind?

Sam: That, and the megawatt homoerotic vibe we exude that underpins every interaction we engage in. Ask any fan.

Male Demon: …

Sam: One thing I don’t give a damn about is breaking the seal… sorry, the heteronormative taboo. I banged a _werewolf,_ man, do you think I’ll be scared to kiss a demon? Come on, gimme your lips.

Male Demon: *turns to run*  

 

**4.11. Heaven and Hell**

 

Ruby: *lustfully* Sam?

Sam: *sleepily* What?

Ruby: You know what you brother and that angel girl are doing?

Sam: What?

Ruby: Having sex in the backseat of your car.

Sam: Well, that sounds just like Dean.

Ruby: Sam, we’ve got a house all to ourselves…

Sam: Yeah, so?

Ruby: Why don’t we…?

Sam: Ah, Ruby, I’m too tired for it now. *falls asleep*

Ruby: *heaves a jealous sigh* Maybe these two _are_ together, after all?

Alastair: Wanna make out, honey? Come with me. But I gotta warn you, I’m into s/m.

 

**In Search of God**

Dean: Cas, seriously, all you ever looked for was your Dad. Have you ever tried searching for your Mom?

Castiel: Mom? What kind of thing is this?

Dean: Mom, Cas. The woman who gave you birth. Like, Mary the Mother of Jesus, understand?

Castiel: That is, like that woman you and your Dad had been trying to revenge for both of the two early parts of the Winchester Gospels?

Dean: … Yeah, exactly.

Castiel: I don’t think I’ve got one. Our Dad preferred to keep himself to himself. 

Dean: Are you trying to tell me your Dad was, like, MPregging?

Sam: Dean, you’re confusing reality with fanfic. I think he was just androgynous. Could change sex any time he wanted. Like Loki.

Dean: What a bunch of freaks you are in Heaven.

Castiel: I don’t understand this reference.

 

**4.21. When The Levee Breaks**

 

Sam: We’ll sacrifice my life and stop evil.

Dean: We’ll stop evil _without_ sacrificing your life. We may have to sacrifice _mine_ , but definitely not _yours_.

Sam: What? Dean, give me back my Apocalypse so that I can stop it!

Dean: No way, it’s mine. _I_ will stop it.

Sam: Dean… *does the puppy eyes*

Dean: You’re too young for Apocalypse, Sammy.

Sam: Dean, I want to be a hero. A legend. You’ve already played this part. Don’t be so stingy.

Dean: Dude, you’re so arrogant.

Sam: Give me back my Apocalypse. *tries to snatch it from Dean’s hands*

Dean: Nope. *hides it behind his back*

Sam: *does the bithface* 

 

**5.02. Good God Y’All**

Lucifer: Where’s Dad? Why is he never home?

Michael: He’s working a job.

Lucifer: When is he coming back?

Michael: I don’t know. Eat your dinner.

Lucifer ( _broods_ ): When I’m older, I’m gonna blow his workshop down. So that he could play baseball with me.

 

**5.04. The End**

 

Sam: Hey, Dean.

Dean: Hey, Sam.

Sam: Dean, I had Lucifer come to my bed yesterday while I was sleeping.

Dean: Were you drunk?

Sam: Dean… He said he wanted me.

Dean: Really?

Sam: I kissed him…

Dean: You did _what_?

Sam: I thought it was Jessica.

Dean: Relax, dude, it was just one of your drunken nightmares.

Sam: Dean, I _need_ your help. Come on, are you under ghost sickness again?

Dean: Who, me? Sammy, Lucifer’s not a ghost. We’re gonna need much more than rock salt.

Sam: Dean…

Dean: Is he at least handsome, the Devil?

Sam: Dean!

Dean: All right, I’m coming.

*****

Castiel: Dean. Where are you going?

Dean: To make a phone call I should have done in the first place.

Castiel ( _broods_ ): I’ve just saved his life again, and he takes it for granted. It’s _Sam Sam Sam_ all over again…

 

**5.13. The Song Remains The Same**

 

Dean: *hugs Sam*

Sam: Dean? What’s wrong?

Dean: Nothing. Just… long time no see, Sammy.

Sam: Dean. The last time we hugged was when you came back from Hell.

Dean: Yeah, so?

Sam: Did Anna…

Dean: No! Just… We’ve just been, like, reborn, man. Let’s drink to that.

Sam: *looks deeply suspicious*

 

**5.16. Dark Side of the Moon**

_someday in Future!Season:_

Castiel: Dean. You called me.

Dean: Yeah.

Castiel: *notices Sam lying on the bed, lifeless* What’s wrong with your brother?

Dean: What? Ah, that. He’s dead again.

Castiel: And you –

Dean: He’ll be back in 15 minutes, don’t worry.

Castiel: Then why did you call me for?

Dean: Could you translate this Enochian spell for me?.. What?

Castiel: *stares in disbelief*

 

**5.17. 99 Problems**

 

Castiel: *in front of Heaven’s door* Knock-knock.

Voice: Who’s there?

Castiel: Me, Angel of the Lord.

Voice: Password?

Castiel: *thinks, scratches head* Damn. Shouldn’t have drunk so much.

 

**5.19. Hammer of the Gods**

 

Lucifer: Please, Sammy, will you marry me? Here have a ring.

Sam: Maybe.

Lucifer: Does it mean “yes” or “no”?

Sam: We’ll see. I think we need another pair of rings for… our brothers. Bring me these Horsemen’s rings. Please.

Lucifer: And will you say “yes” to me, then?

Sam: Oh, I _will_. Promise. *smirks gleefully*

 

**6.09. Clap Your Hands If You Believe**

 

Dean _(whimpers):_ Man, it’s so unjust. I can’t even walk down the street without a shifter, or a vampire, or a… fairy following me.

Soulless Sam _(smirks):_ Relax, Dean. I used to be girl-shy, remember? But after the Devil had stalked me? I’m so hot chicks _beg_ me to have sex with them. Why don’t you let the evil bastards take you for a ride? All girls will be yours then.

Dean: You shut up, Sam. I’m older, means I’m always right.

Sam: No, it only means you’re a fairy’s boy toy.

 

**Fall of the Wall**

Dean: No, Sam, we’re gonna put that wall into your freaky head, otherwise you may die from memories of Hell.

Sam: Who, me? Do you think I’m _that_ sissy, Dean? _You_ had no wall in your head when you came back from Hell, and you’re still alive. Why?

Dean: ‘Cause I’m older and stronger than you, man.

Sam: *rolls eyes*

 

**7.13. The Slice Girls**

Dean: Looks like I’ve slept with an Amazon *smug smile*

Sam: I’ve slept with a demon. Oh, and a werewolf. And kissed a kitsune. My monster bang list beats yours.

Dean: Ya think? Well, I kissed a crossroads demon. An angel touched me. I had a one-night stand with another angel. The siren enchanted me. Vampires objectified me. In fact, I brought one back from the dead in my arms, literally. 

Sam: The Devil got into me, body and mind…

Both: We are so screwed.

 

**Pre-Purgatory**

 

Sam: Dean, know what? It’s been three years since I’ve last had a girlfriend.

Dean: Yeah, so?

Sam: You surely remember how neither of us is allowed to start a long-term romantic relationship unless one of us is down in the Inferno? Time for you to go to Hell to give me some rope.

Dean: Damn it, Sam, I’ve been there before. I want to go someplace new. And cooler.  

Sam: Heaven?

Dean: Been there, too.

Sam: So, what we’re left with is… Purgatory?

Dean: Cool. Try to hook up with a classy chick this time, Sammy.

 

**Sam and the Benny-Dean bromance**

Sam: So, Dean, what’s up with you and banging monsters? _Angels_ I can get, but _vampires_ …

Dean: Says he who let the Devil ride him.

Sam: I did it to save the world, remember? Also, turned out _I_ rode him in the end.

Dean: Good for you, Mr. Normal. Remember the time you let _me_ get turned into a bloodsucker? Wasn’t that bad, in retrospect.

Sam: Once I was a vampire too, and you never had a thing for _me_.

Dean: Relax, dude, you were a hot one at that. Too bad you don’t drink demon blood anymore. Get yourself another demon chick and back off of me, man.

Sam: I’ve got a _human_ chick, thanks.

Dean: See? It’s my turn to be all weird and freaky.

Sam: What is it that makes Benny so special to you?

Dean: Well, at least he doesn’t demand I call him “Ben” every time we talk.

Sam: Oh, I pray to Castiel to beat some sense into your horny brains.

Dean: Shut your piehole, Sam, or I…

Castiel: Sam. You asked for help.

Sam: Yeah. Dean here needs some serious talking to.

Dean: What, Cas? What are you gonna do? Throw me back to Hell?

Castiel: What makes you such a Twitard?

Sam and Dean: When on Earth did you catch that movie?

 

**Sam and Dean, in front of a big huge fence, someday in early Season 9:**

Sam: Come on, Dean, let’s climb it.

Dean: Nah, too much work. Castiel, I need your help, now.

Sam: Why are you calling for him?

Dean: ‘Cause he can zap me onto the other side of the friggin’ fence, smartass.

Sam: Er… Dean, have you forgotten Cas misses his angelic powers these days?

Dean: Damn. Well, but there’s always you and that… *checks himself before saying “ ‘… angel within you.’ ”* I mean, you’re younger and stronger. *beams a big fake smile at Sam*

Sam: Doesn’t mean I’m about to play Sam to your Frodo.

Dean: I’d bet you so want to.

Sam: Do _not_.

Dean: Do.

Sam: Do _not_.

**The Epic Extended Supernatural Soap Scene for 5.18. Point of No Return**

Dean: Look, Sammy, our baby bro wants to be a Michael… my ass.

Sam: The kid thinks he’ll waste the Devil with his bare hands. *laughs hysterically*

Dean: Angels told him! *doubles over with laughter*

Both: College boy thinks he’s so sma-ha-ha-art. *poke fingers at Adam*

Adam: Bitches. *hurts*

*****

Dean: Swinging both ways, Sam? First it’s Ruby, now it’s Lucifer. You’re totally quitting me, huh?

Sam: Look who’s talking. First it’s Anna, then it’s Castiel, now it’s Michael.

Dean: Demon lover.

Sam: Angel whore.

*****

Sam: *crying in the corner* Cas… why did he have to do it to me?

Castiel: Dean is headed down a dangerous road. You’ve got to stop him.

Sam: I _can’t_.

Castiel: Then I will. I’ll show this SOB better than to hurt his little brother.

Sam: Cas… promise me he’ll be okay.

Castiel: Don’t ask stupid questions, baby.

*****

Dean: *packing things* That’s it, Sammy. I’m going to start a family with Michael the Archangel.

Sam: What? Dean… and what about me? Don’t you love _me_ anymore?

Dean: Dude, you’re my _brother_ , for God’s sake. That’s just _sick_.

Adam: Hey, bitches, sorry to interrupt your sweet talk, but lemme tell you, Michael actually loves _me_.

Dean: What? Why? We’ve been dating for, like, almost a year now.

Adam: Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m younger and all.

Dean: Man, that’s _so_ insensitive. Look, I’m not saving you when Michael rejects your sweet ass. Don’t come crying on my shoulder. *man pains*

Sam: Come on, Dean, you know _I’ll_ never leave and reject you, come on. *reaches out for him*

Castiel: *spying from the corner* Damn. Just when I thought Dean was mine. *rolls up sleeves*

 

**CREDITS**

**Author's Note:**

> I used some of these drabblogues in my reviews of Supernatural's Season 4 and 5 in my blog (http://rosemarygreen.blogspot.ru/search/label/episode%20review, if you're interested) a few years ago but thought it was worth compiling them into a single text. Those reviews and the drabblogues were largely inspired by kroki refur's amazing reviews of Supernatural Season 1-4.


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